"I" quit.

I leave for South Africa in 8 days.  I am in no way ready for the trip, spiritually or physically or any other way.

I have zero margin into my life -- even without a job to factor in. I'm exhausted from trying to be everything I'm supposed to be and am told that I'm failing miserably at just about everything. So I quit. 

I'm done with pleasing others. I'm done with phone calls and expectations. 

I'm going to spend the next 7 days playing with the pups and figuring out what I'm going to pack. I'm going to sit by a pool and eat some potato chips. 

Every single sentence I've written contains the problem -- "I."  It's not about me. Come, Lord, draw me closer to You and Your will. "I" quit. 

Africa, Pups and Hope

In 21 days, I'll be on a plane to South Africa. It's been almost four years since I was on that beautiful continent and I have longed for the experience again. I'm so thankful.  Africa holds my heart.

Surprising to me, I wish the Lord had a plan for me that included living in Africa. When I was young, I thought I'd be a missionary living in a tent wearing shades of khaki.  But there was a different plan and now I'm at a point in my life that I'm sad that my fourth-grade self was wrong.

Switching gears totally here but I can't express how sad I will be when my puppies realize the sofa isn't a playpen.  It's such a blessing to put them on the sofa (or separate them with one on and one off) and know they will be there long enough for me to walk out of the room or do the dishes. These girls are exhausting!! But precious. Ferocious but loved. I'm afraid that Cesar Milan is going to have to fly to Alabama to help me out with training. :)

As I try to teach GiGi and Effie to not bite, growl or scratch as they are held, to potty OUTSIDE, to come when I call and not run away (they are really self-centered girls!), I'm reminded of how gentle God is with me in my disobedience.  Sometimes a time-out or a swat on the behind is more than appropriate, yet He gently offers me another way. Behavior modification God's way is kind, loving and absolute. Not that I haven't had my share of swats, but I'm thankful that during this season, I am able to respond to His guidance with haste.

Still concentrating on my One Word for 2012.  Hope ... today I think about the job interview I had yesterday. I'm reminded that the Lord's plan is the best plan. I just have to wait. And I stink at waiting but concentrating on the Hope I have in Him helps.

thankful, hopeful, and exhausted from two disobedient  pups. :)

Taking a Leap -- a list

It's Leap Day so I'm going to get random and just list the things that are on my mind. And OH MY WORD, are there things on my mind today.

1. I've found myself depressed the past few weeks but I keep reminding myself  that "The Lord will give strength to His people: The Lord will bless His people with peace."  (Psalm 29:11)

2. Downton Abbey = Best. Show. Ever.  When Matthew and Mary FINALLY manage to pull it all together, goodness. I had to rewind it and rewatch a couple of times. Love love love.

3. Life without my sweet puppy is harder than I thought. I miss him at the strangest times and it just takes my breath away.  This small grief makes me thankful for the things with which the Lord has trusted me.

4. I really would like a job sometime soon. Seriously tired of this house. I think I'd love to be a stay-home mom/wife but I'd need some money to entertain myself, no doubt! Unemployment doesn't do it for me.

5. I feel that life is shifting and changing so quickly around me but I'm sitting still. Not a fun or comfortable place to be.

I choose to be thankful. And peaceful. And content.

Mission Accomplished

I spent the day with my sweet Jess - dropping resumes off at schools, taking a test to become a sub in the schools (man, I need a job), lunch with a friend and then a little "secret mission" that turned into a not-so-little mission that was accomplished.

This secret mission, which I'll discuss fully at a later date, has me pensive tonight.  Big changes are ahead for me. This is a not a prophetic statement, or even a particularly remarkable one. I am, after all, unemployed and desiring find a new career path - change is necessary. Jess will soon (how soon?) be married and leaving my home. Sebastian the sheltie isn't long for this life, as I believe his cancer will take him from me soon. All the constants in my life are shifting, changing, disappearing. I believe that even my Constant is changing and shifting in me.

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Isaiah 46:4

I am ready for some of these changes. I'm ready for a new path, new relationships, a new purpose. I'm not ready for the loses. I'm grieving early and I'm hopeful that the early processing will benefit me in the end.  My word for 2012 is hope.

But as for me, I will hope continually, And will praise You yet more and more. Psalm 71:14

Plain and simple HOPE. Peace and contentment in the plan He has for me. Sweet secret missions remind me of my Father.

My soul, wait in silence for God only, For my hope is from Him. Psalm 62:5

He is my everything. My Hope, my Life, my mission.

All to be accomplished in His time.

Waiting well. . .

I read a blog post a few days ago (thanks to Alece for linking to it from twitter) that I can't get out of my mind. Waiting Well was posted in 2010 but found me on the exact day I needed it. 


In the post, Grant writes that he is waiting on "what's next." So am I.  A job, a mate, a child, a better diagnosis for my dog. . . I could go on and on about the things I'm waiting for - things that don't fit on the confines of a calendar square. 


"While there is definitely a powerful life element to waiting without knowing, the truth is it can often be frustrating."


I can however, write FRUSTRATION on my calendar. It fits in the square just fine. 


But the thought the has kept me awake over the past few nights is this --

"Asking “why” probably won’t change the situation, but asking “how” will likely change ME."

How can I be changed through this very uncomfortable season? How can I please my God more in this time? How can I become a better follower? a better daughter? a better friend? a better Marty? 

I've spent much of the past few weeks sitting on the sofa with my computer in my lap searching job sites. I've seen more episodes of Friends, House Hunter Intl' and Bones than ever before. I know Kathie Lee and Hoda better than some of my friends. (I'm ashamed of that one.) I've watched movies and wasted time. 

But I've also spent time in the Word. I've spent time in prayer. I've fasted and prayed for peace. 

And I've rested in Him. Waiting on Him for guidance, waiting on Him for my HOW. 

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I'm going stir crazy in this stage of my life. Like baking cakes, making casseroles, mixing drinks kinda crazy. 

Unemployment is not for me -- not having a purpose every day is driving me crazy. It's a big day when I blow out my hair and put on jeans. However, I did manage to wear yoga pants to my therapy appointment today. (Not sure if I should be proud of that moment or not.)

I'm thankful for the Lord's provision for me during this time. Trying to live in constant thankfulness for this season. 

But I want a job with purpose. . . so I will quit baking cakes. :) 

My "One Word" for 2012

First of all, 2012? Holy Cow. Can't believe how the time has flown by. I still feel like I'm in my 20's, and believe me, I'm not. Crap. I wish I knew then what I know now and had the option to live those years again. I probably would take a pass though. Some things aren't meant for mulligans.

I've been thinking about my "One Word" for a few days. Last year the Lord really removed so many things from my life -- hard year. HARD. Turned down adopting two precious baby girls after waiting and waiting "my" children. Was laid off from a position that was miserable but at a place I adored and am still grieving. Still don't have a job. The Lord CLEARED my life of some pride last year. Pride in what I could do for myself -- me making my own way. Whether it was with the adoption of the girls, or with my work, friends, Bible study, church commitments, He showed me He had it under control and I could let it go. Letting go of some was easier than others.

I entered 2012 empty-handed. No adoption anywhere. No relationship. No job. What will this year hold?

My "One Word" is HOPE. But not the simple little "fingers-crossed" hope. But my HOPE in the Gospel of Christ. My HOPE in His plan for my life. My HOPE in His peace, love and grace.

HOPE.